Forcing myself
A reclusive person writes diaries, a sad, pathetic loser. And lately I've been "going out" more.
Most of me believe that I do this for my future self; that years later I might find myself reading these old notes and remind myself of who I am/was, or what my state of mind was, and essentially, what I've been through. And then cringe. While the rest of me is just trying to sound clever.
I have no real time readers because really it's none of their business. That's why I don't feel the need to fill this up with updates about what's going on with my life. This is pure, naked mind in here.
I wonder if anyone else does this shit. Who goes to a cafe alone, order a beer, and then doodle on a notebook amidst the cacophony of conversations? And write like it's nobody's fucking business. Who does that? I do obviously. And I DO think it's a little peculiar but I ran out of fucks to give. That is, perhaps, one of the greatest things that happened to me recently.
I am peculiar and proud. I drink beer at 10 am if I want to. I go out with un-ironed pants. I walk around in a woman's sweater. I eat in restaurants by myself if I want. You can't talk to me about cars and its mechanisms. You can't talk to me about the business investment market whatever shit. Talk to me all day about music and film.
I have an uncanny talent of feeling judgement around my vicinity, which does nothing but amuse me.
I am a walking trap. Judge me by one meeting, have a conclusive impression on the type of person I am, and there is nothing left for you to be but wrong. Hilariously wrong.
Other people take one look at me and hate me, instantly, whether they know it or not, for no fucking reason. Other people find me really interesting (these are perhaps the intelligent ones).
I fucked myself up trying to know myself. Or perhaps I've always known and now I've come to fully accept who I am and use it against the world.
The truth is; I am but an insecure child trying to compensate. But then again, aren't we all? More importantly, a child. I chose to remain one, whilst most people choose to suppress this because they found no need for it in the world that they chose to live in, or rather, in the lives that they chose. A child asks, and most genuinely so. "Mommy whats a degree and why I have to have it?" A child is hungry for such knowledge, always. An adult grows tired and ceases to ask, eventually melting into the paradigm. "I MUST finish my studies and I MUST have a job because everybody else has it so it must be right!"
I'm drunk. So go fuck yourself with your cars and your money and your new phones.