And they say when you start actually doing you stop writing. I did not intend to stop, but for the months since my last entry I've tried my hand at "life". And now that I'm writing again I must say; I missed it, although as I suspect, I've lost some of my eloquence (like I believe there was).
Knowing very well I was in a state of depression from the moment I stepped foot in Manila to the time I temporarily halted my writing entries, most of the latter were submerged in pessimistic undertones. If one reads them, one will find himself emotionally challenged. But not this time, now that I'm back on my feet.
I cannot enumerate all the things that had happened to me nor the things I tried to make happen, that have caused the silence in the pages of my journal. In one of my entries late last year I lamented that my piece Salin wasn't good enough for the ACL festival that was to take place last November. But now that the festival has passed like last night's dream, I will remember how well the piece was received, I will remember the first ever Tsang-Houei Hsu Memorial Award that ended up with my name (an honor), I will remember all the friends I've made during that memorable week.
Prior to that I forgot to write about our brief but fantastic trip to Hong-Kong with my family, because I was out there doing it. I forgot to write about the time I visited Dumaguete to reunite with my composer contemporaries from Silliman, and how we tried to inspire the young undergrads to be fearlessly creative. Because I was doing it. And then commissions started to rise in number, and however humble the projects may be, I always take them seriously.
And then I realized that by actually doing I found myself out of depression. All of a sudden the nights are gone when I would drink myself to death, and the afternoons wallowing in maddening solitude. And it helped to have a few friends to get me out of that misery though they haven't a single clue.
Most importantly the writing of music saved me. After all I am a composer, first, and nothing can take that away. Thankfully my studies with RS pushed me beyond my capability. Needless to say I did a lot of composing, which likely played a major role in the saving of me, and in the rotting of my journal. I am not saying I am safe from the downhills of life for I am aware there will always be bumps and goddamned rabbit-holes along the way. But given my current state, I am ready to face them with a dangerous smirk, for I've been down there and it did nothing but taught me how to fight, other than have me drunk.
I will continue to engage life and if time should find me write about it. Cheers.