It took me most of my twenties to realize that that cycle is never going to stop. I have never been quite open about it but I've had my share of long periods of depression. It was so long, in fact, that when things turned around in my favor this one time, I actually thought it was going to last. That the straight line of stagnation will skyrocket to another straight, soaring line of triumph. "Success is never a straight line." I should have known. I hated clichés.
And that's another thing that kept me from going places; hate. In my constant search for the new, I tended to dread everything that's predictable and passé, and everyone who perpetuated them, through no fault of their own. But what maddened me most is the fact that people, as it turned out, would actually prefer to listen to them instead. And now I have exiled myself from the very niche that could have been helpful to my career. At times, I even catch myself thinking: "Sikat na siguro ko run kung baduy pud ko." I am not proud of this. Shame on me. Yet here I am, still on my search for the new, but this time I am trying very, very hard, to smile at those who condescend because they just don't get what you are about.
Back in those miserable times, I spent most of it alone with my thoughts. And in that depression-motivation cycle, I was on a high point that I decided to stop brooding once and for all and bust out the door to take control of my destiny. That's when coronavirus happened. And now everyone else has a chance for reflective solitude while I'm back in the couch binge-watching The Godfather and other shows I've already watched a hundred times.
But...
This is it. I swear it is. Once this stupid quarantine is lifted, I'm doing it.
Of course, deep in my heart, I know this is bullshit. But I'll do it anyway. And when I go tired, I'll stop. When I feel like shit, I'll go cry in a corner. When I feel like I can do anything, I'll do it. And then do it again, and again, and again because that's the fight. Like the doctor who walked over a mile under the sun because another person's life was depending on him. Like the grocery store personnel who risked going to work because there's a long line of people buying things they need to survive. Like the musician, now unemployed, who, despite abysmal circumstances, continue to play for those whose souls are on the verge of breaking down. This is the fight.