"I intend to submit this entry for the Asian Composers League Conference."
I said to Dr. Ramon Santos.
I played it to him from the laptop, the first five mins. of it. I was absolutely paralyzed. This piece is my one shot. My window out of obscurity. I've suffered too long, sacrificed so much. And if more adversities wait ahead of me, I'd be willing to endure. But this piece is my one shot. I would seriously weep like a girl if I don't get the Young Composers award, let alone if it doesn't pass the selection.
It stopped at an awkward place, a work in progress, need I remind. Dr. Santos made some points in some sections. He said that in this particular section walang nangyayari. In that section medyo bitin. He emphasized that there has to be some "sonic reason" for the change in sections. Whatever that means. But a fair point, nonetheless. You can't argue with a National Artist for Music in the Philippines. I nodded in agreement, and realized my inadequacies.
For years of studying composition, this was the first time a teacher ever criticized my work, finally. It's what I've always wanted. But surprisingly the inevitable happened; In the farthest depths of my soul, a little part of pride was crippled. And I've never thought that would bother me. But it did.
I just came out of a concert tonight which transpired only a few hours after that fateful class with Dr. Santos. The one year old UP Dawani Women's Choir presented a very interesting "all Asian" repertoire tonight. Names of composers include none other than Ramon Santos himself, Christine Muyco, Jonas Baes, Eudy Palaruan(who conducted the choir due to the absence of Beverly Shangkuan-Cheng), Robin Estrada (whom I've seen for the first time tonight), Excelsis Betil, Nilo Alcala II, etc. Among all pieces I listened intensely to Santos's in particular, thinking about what he said to me hours before. His piece was Veniet Dominus, for SSA and Cello; which turns out, a flawless masterpiece.
It is neither bitin nor walang nangyayari. I attempted to find even one minor flaw but I failed. Which pretty much answers the question; Who should I listen to? My pride or Ramon Santos?
Or maybe it bothered me because at the moment I presented him my piece I've failed to explain to him my concept. He didn't know that the static lines of the western instruments were disturbances of the Gandingan's frequency; serving as an allegory to the domination of Western thought over the marginalized Filipino cultures. He didn't know that the static rhythms were the concept of drone and infinity sliced up into fragments because it is always interrupted by the western instruments. He didn't know because I have failed to let him know. Because I was once again paralyzed with nervousness as usual.
To get my mind of it, I decided: Tonight, I'm going to start(and hopefully finish) my choral arrangement of When I Met you by Apo for Mayet's wedding. A beer perhaps will assist me. Cheers!